Foxy Roxy

It's been a long time since I posted something related to live action porn but I thought this would be a good share. Also, I get to test out Blogger's new look (so far it feels boring as hell but if it functions, I don't mind).

Anyway, if you've ever wondered what kind of MILFs I like in real life, Roxy is a pretty good example. I'm especially fond of her appearance in the first two clips. There's just something about a nigh shoulder-length mom hair that makes me go HNNNNNNGGGH

(I think she's fuckable with the short hair as well, but I'd take a classic Audrey Hepburn pixie cut over the flat, almost butch-like hair she has in the third video)

I present three of my favourite Roxy videos of her to you. Porn industry, take notes: Roxy here is a true MILF. Those past-their-prime porn starlets with too much make-up and sex mannerisms of, well, porn starlets, don't really do it for me.

Roxy striptease
Roxy in bed
Roxy in a hot tub

Also, I've been sick with common cold for the past week, thus the lack of new art releases.

TEXT: The Large Problem

As I'm writing this text, I am engaged in an argument at /co/ about the subject of Danny Phantom toonrotica. I was requested to draw a pic of Jack Fenton doing his wife, the always delicious MILF Maddie Fenton. I replied with a playful "do I really have to", although there was some seriousness in my reply as I didn't really want to waste a Maddie pic by pairing him with Jack. Anon soon replied "You draw her with VLAD, dude. WTF?!"

Naturally, I asked what the problem was and I received a rather simple reply: "it's Vlad". Of course, that still doesn't answer my question. Why is Vlad a problem? Is it because of how he looks? Is it due to his actions in the final season? Am I pissing off yaoi fan girls by shattering their dreams about Vlad/Danny 'shipping by reminding of the harsh canon where Vlad obsesses over Maddie and is madly in love with her instead of her son?

Anyway, now I'm going besides the point. That is, my refusal to draw Jack Fenton in an erotic situation. Why?

Three reasons:


1) Jack's usually a bumbling idiot and a continuous source for slapstick humour in the series. One of the jokes is that he's not really much of a romantic type, at least not the correct type. Sure, he loves his wife and all but he's far from the sort of type you'd imagine getting physical with his wife. I usually tend to avoid totally random pairings in my art - you know, the sort of soulless crap you usually see on those cheap-ass paysites. I want my art to have a bit of meaning, a small story or some sort of reason behind the pic. You can't really achieve that with Jack, it doesn't have the same effect behind it.

2) his body structure is essentially that of a very large square. And since it's very large, it can block other characters from view. This can be circumvented by using poses where he's mostly in the background, but it may quickly become repetitive.

3) as sort of a continuation to my previous point, Jack's looks are simply just too non-appealing for toonrotica. Some of you might argue that it doesn't matter since you'll all be looking at the female characters anyway, but putting all the homophobia besides for a few seconds, I beg you to seriously think about it: would you really want all male porn actors to be overweight, hairy and greasy instead of usually taking care that at least one of those aspects won't be associated with them? I know some people that can't get over Ron Jeremy despite him starring alongside some of the more legendary porn starlets of all time. Same thing with Jack Fenton.


Anyway, I now hope that you understand my point. I also suspect that other artists feel the same way, as it might be one of the reasons why Maddie usually gets paired with Danny in toonrotica.

I might do a Jack/Maddie pic someday, though, although it'll probably work as more of a gag pic (heh, maybe even literally, if you catch my drift). I might also do a Ron Jeremy comparison there by giving Jack a monstrous cock which drives Maddie crazy of pleasure. The whole thing will probably be dedicated to Turk128. Just don't wait for that pic to appear in the next, say, eight months or so.


EDIT (3/2): ThaMan commented on this post on his blog. Check it out, he raises a pretty good point in defense of those who want to see some Jack/Maddie art. I do have to argue that I wouldn't expect such reasons for the pairing from Anonymous, hence why it never even crossed my mind in my original post.

TEXT: Fan Fic Review: Phantom Desires

Phantom Desires (zero stars)
(Written by MasterDragon21; starring Dani Phantom, Ember McLain and Danny Fenton; 2009)

Art by Levelord, posted with permission

Some optimists say that no matter how bad a fan fic may be, it can still be salvaged by the means of "MST'ing" it. For those who are not familiar what this means, it's basically writing a witty and sarcastic "commentary track" that makes fun of the original work, making it instantly entertaining and, in some cases, actually readable. Note that I call these people optimisists, as they apparently haven't read MasterDragon21's fics.

Phantom Desires is this person's yet another example of his numerous (and futile) attempts of becoming an official author for the WWOEC community. This time he tries to tell us a Danny Phantom-themed lemon of what I believe is about how Dani Phantom (the female clone of Danny Phantom) and Ember McLain (the one-hit-wonder pop star ghost) are in search for love. However, there isn't much of a search going on as the answer comes to them almost instantly after they start pondering over their problem out loud.

To save you the trouble of reading the fic I can reveal that they both realize they're in love with Danny but don't actually get to have sex with him as he's suddenly gone to Florida. Instead, we have a quick fight scene with Dani and Ember but without any punctuation marks whatsoever, which then turns into lesbian pity sex after Ember finds out about Danny's whereabouts and Dani decides to console her. The fic ends abruptly before we get to any read any action, which may actually be a good thing considering the overall quality of the writing.

I've read lousy fanfics a many during my lifetime and while the MST'ing rule applies to surprisingly many of them, MasterDragon21's fics are a notable exception to that. The writing is so chock-full of grammatical errors that it should easily inspire hundreds of Plus4chan's drawfags to illustrate gay rape pornography of an English dictionary getting it into every possible hole. The characters recite their boring lines without any emotion, and to be honest they don't even feel like the original characters but rather some cheap, Chinese-made bootleg version of them. You know, like those Dragonball Z figures that are badly painted and may sometimes lack body parts (do a Google search for "flying headless Goku" for a good example).

While you cannot deny the fact that a fan fic writer will, more or less consciously, put his or her fantasies in their stories, it requires skill and talent to pull off a vignette that is more than just a text dump depicting character A and character B having a sexual act of some type. A good, ambitious story both explains the reasons for them having sex and makes it seem believable to the readers – this means you can give a character a paper-thin or even illogical reason to act a certain way, but it won't matter if it makes sense for the character to make that kind of decision. As a writer, MasterDragon21 fails in every aspect: Dani and Ember just suddenly have a vision of Danny after whining a bit about how they want to fill that void in their empty lives, and then eagerly decide to go on a little trip to fuck him senseless. After all, isn't love synonymous with sex?

If you're still thinking about MST'ing this fic, just forget about it as it would be completely useless to do so. Unless, of course, you want to have Mike and the 'bots just staring in silent awe at the horrifying train wreck of Phantom Desires. This fic excels in inexplicably horrible grammar, non-compelling story and cardboard characters so well it defies all common logic. In that sick and twisted way, it is a masterpiece.

Oh, and in case you didn't notice, this is just part one of what I assume is a trilogy of these stories. "Knowesting" (yes, that's how he writes 'knowing') MasterDragon21, he will most likely be more than happy to finish the story, contributing yet another hapless accident to a community that just wishes he'd cease his attempts at writing comprehensible sentences in English language. Avoid this fic.


I didn't find a proper pic of Roger Ebert giving two thumbs down, so this'll have to do instead:

TEXT: Top 5 Sexiest Female Voices in Cartoons

5. Kath Soucie

The staple "cartoon mom" voice. Famous as Dexter's Mom from Dexter's Laboratory and Maddie Fenton from Danny Phantom. I fell in love with her voice at the same time as I fell in love with Dexter's Mom's awesome ass. Her voice fits the character perfectly.


4. E. G. Daily

Mostly known as a pop singer during the 1980s and as the voice Buttercup from The Powerpuff Girls. Daily sounded super-sexy as the ditzy teenage version of Buttercup in the PPG episode "City of Clipsville".


3. Stephanie Mills

The Dark Horse of this list. Stephanie Mills voices the Venus plant in Ruby Gloom. Her voice is very lovely, sounding that of a twenty-something girl, and has that sexy French accent. Almost makes you want to have sex with a carnivorous plant, which itself is not a very good idea.


2. Tara Strong

One of the most talented and hardest working voice actresses in the business, Tara Strong can voice anything. Mostly known as Timmy Turner from The Fairly OddParents and Bubbles from The Powerpuff Girls, she can also do this super sexy and seductive voice, which can be heard in Danny Phantom whenever the character Penelope Spectra makes an appearance.


1. Nicole Sullivan

The voice actress for Shego from Kim Possible. 'Nuff said.

Okay, I'll tell you some more. She also starred in MAD-tv and voiced Joan of Arc in Clone High. Nicole can make anything sound sexy and that is a fact.


Honorable mentions: Jennifer Hale (Miss Keane and Sedusa from The Powerpuff Girls), Maria Canals-Barrera (Paulina from Danny Phantom) and Grey DeLisle (Vicky from The Fairly OddParents, Sam Manson from Danny Phantom, Frankie Foster from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, Mandy from The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy)


EDIT (2/5): I did the unthinkable and forgot to add the late, great Eartha Kitt to the list! Besides being famous as one of the Catwomen in the original 1960s Batman TV series, she also had a career as a singer. Of course, for us toon lovers she will always be remembered as the evil Queen Vexus of The Cluster from My Life as a Teenage Robot!

TEXT: Don't You Just Hate It... in Straight porn movies

Don't you just hate it...

• ...when everyone is constantly spitting on each other's genitalia?
• ...when a girl gets her anus streched and then someone spits in there for "lubrication"?
• ...when the actresses have crooked teeth?
• ...when all the women have platinum blonde hair, balloon-shaped breast implants, skinny asses and they all wear transparent platform shoes?
• ...when most of the dialogue uttered during intercourse consists of sentences such as "oh God", "fuck me harder!" and the extremely irritating, squeakily-delivered "ooh yeah"?
• ...when the actress refuses to have sperm enter her mouth?
• ...when the actress does keep her mouth open during facials but then proceeds to drool all the semen down her chin like an infant child that has yet to learn how to eat in a clean fashion (*cough*Celeste*cough*)?
• ...when kissing is just three seconds of cheap tongue-wiggling?
• ...when there's constant ass-spanking?
• ...when there are pimples present?
• ...when the actress has a very visible bruise somewhere?
• ...how "trendy" camera techniques such as super close-ups, whip pans and "shakycam" have found their way into pornography?
• ...when there's a double penetration scene and the camera zooms closer into the action but mostly shows two hairy man-asses?
• ...when the camera zooms to show the girl gurgling semen like it's fucking mouthwash?
• ...when porn movies use cameras with wide-angle lenses to make the actress' butt look bigger?
• ...when porn movies use cameras with wide-angle lenses and then proceed to zoom into a face of a girl showing how much sperm she has heaving in her mouth in a similar fashion to those shitty-ass "funny animals" videos and postcards? I personally find this both annoying and extremely disgusting at the same time
• ...when a lesbian scene keeps going on after french kissing (okay, this is occasionally fine but most of the lesbian scenes in porn aimed for straight men just lack the passion and feels more like watching two chicks going for it like it's an assignment or something... which it pretty much is)?
• ...how reality porn tries to pass itself as reality when in fact they're mostly using lesser-known actresses, second-rate porn starlets and semi-retired professionals instead of real amateurs?
• ...when porn stars are "acting"?
• ...when a girl passionately sucks another one's strap-on and they both act like it's a real cock?
• ...when kissing and sucking scenes have overblown sound effects reminiscent of someone unplugging a toilet?
• ...when Sequelitis is even worse in porn film industry?
• ...when reality porn actors constantly crack jokes, make weird faces, laugh a lot and make small talk with the cameraman while having sex at the same time?
• ...when a girl is having two dicks in her mouth at the same time and you can see how the ends of the penises rub each other?
• ...when the soundtrack unintentionally sounds like a memorable mainstream movie theme that feels completely out-of-place in a porn flick (there's a bit of melody in the first sex scene in Vi Presento Mia Figlia that sounds like the theme from Jurassic Park - I am not making this up)?
• ...when balls are touching?
• ...when your favourite actress has a non-sex role?
• ...when your favourite actress suddenly decides to undergo plastic surgery (possibly again), altering her face so that it now looks completely different and ugly?
• ...when a guy misses the girl's face and sprays his cum all over another guys legs and hands?
• ...when a guy misses the girl's face and sprays his cum all over another guys face?
• ...when you're watching a seemingly ordinary flick and suddenly a strange fetish appears out of nowhere?
• ...when it's a trap?
• ...when a good director suddenly decides to cast this one particular actress you don't really care about in every freaking film (Mario Salieri and Julia Taylor, I'm looking at you)?
• ...when you can hear more of the guy's grunting than the girl's moaning?
• ...when Peter North aims his jizz too high so it flies past the girl's face and onto bedsheets?
• ...when the girl suddenly wants to lick the guy's asshole (note: this seems to occur mostly in Italian and French productions from 1990s and onwards)?
• ...when guys don't take off their watches, shoes or socks?
• ...when there's a scene where a guy is spying on a couple having sex and the camera constantly pans or switches to show his face?
• ...when there's a scene where a guy is spying on a couple having sex and the camera constantly pans or switches to show him jacking off?
• ...when a good sex scene is constantly cut away by non-sex scenes with other characters?
• ...when a promising sex scene never takes off (as in, the actress you like is suddenly replaced by another one, someone "busts" the couple or the script doesn't treat the particular scene as an important one and cuts away before the whole thing really gets on going)?
• ...when it turns out to be soft porn?
• ...when you're watching a seemingly straight porn movie and suddenly, during the final orgy scene, SURPRISE GAY BUTTSECKS?
• ...when a porn film is desperately trying to have a complex plot?

And finally...

• Don't you just fucking hate it when you're fapping to a porno and just when you're about to cum the scene suddenly changes to show the guy's facial expression while at the very same time you blow your load?!

With partial apologies to Not My Desk and Encyclopedia Dramatica.

TEXT: Fan Fic Review (Double): My Life as a Teenage Von Neumann Device and Alien Urges and Affections - When Misty Fell for Shell, Part 1 (REVIEW)

Picture courtesy of Toonspew, posted with permission

NOTE: This is something I myself promised to do, so don't expect me to start doing this constantly (reviewing fan fics, that is). I'm not interested in reading fan fics, especially if they're lemons, so don't market them to me.

This is it, the fan fic review I've been hyping for some time. In case you didn't read my foreword about it, I suggest you do so before you check out this review as it will clear up my rather negative history with written fan fiction. You can check it out here.

I may use a bunch of TV Tropes terms in this review. Don't worry though, as I will link descriptions for them. I usually bold links that direct you to a page outside my blog but for the sake of readability (is that even a word?) I'm going to restrain myself from doing so with this review.

EDIT: okay, I used tons of them. Sorry :D

Introduction

I read a bunch of MLaaTR lemons during the summer and this fall and out of those fics these two came out as the best: My Life as a Von Neumann Device, written by Toonspew, and Alien Urges and Affections - When Misty Fell for Shell, written by Sadarax. I noticed that Sadarax's fic is still incomplete so let this be the review for "part 1". Both these fics avoided some of the most dreaded fan fic tropes, such as Mary Sues, blatant and egoistic Self-Insertion and IKEA Erotica. Instead, they feature astoundingly good writing and exploration of familiar and not-so-familiar MLaaTR characters, wildly expanding their personalities beyond what was seen in the show. Toonspew's fic is whopping 23 chapters long, plus it has an epilogue, while Sadarax has so far released 9 chapters.

MLaaVND and AUaA are like night and day. Toonspew's fic reminds me a lot of the original Dragonball series (not Z, the first one) in a way it offers a seamless story with lots of different people, places and elements while slowly but surely sliding towards a BIG ending. Sadarax's fic, however, seems to go for the mellow Slice of Life ambience instead of going all Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann and so far, as I've just read the first nine chapters, has stayed very close to the atmosphere of the original series. Both lemons also feature actual plots instead of stacking mindless sex scene after another. This is awesome.

In Tremorton, TV watches YOU!!

My Life as a Von Neumann Device begins with Jenny getting laughed at school because she apparently doesn't know what "having sex" means. Due to this being a lemon, there's naturally only one way to find out! After a terrific start with a strong scent of Original Flavour and well-written sex scenes with tangible erotic tension the fic then suddenly Genre Shifts into a Darker and Edgier direction. We'll get to see Jenny and her friends tangle with The Cluster in a very similar storyline to the MLaaTR TV movie Escape from Cluster Prime - which is notable, since this part of the fic was written before the movie (makes you wonder where the show's creators got their idea for the special in the first place)! From there it all calms down before a storm of huge proportions, which culminates in a massive race against time and a finishes with a violent battle - all of this reminded me of such classic movies like The Terminator and Aliens, which is a good thing. Alongside this plot we get to see the main teen characters learn stuff the hard way, learn to take responsibility of their actions and have lots of sex.

There is one theme that usually makes me stop reading a fic when I see it pop up: main character pregnancy. Yes, this one has it too but luckily it doesn't go all mushy about the subject and it actually works as a plot device, although I still can't understand why so many fan fic writers want to write about characters becoming parents at a rather young age. Good thing Toonspew didn't include the horrendously bad sex talk line "I want to have your baby", which is something you'll see in every goddamn incest comic these days. Sheesh!

Another thing that may irritate some readers is the way MLaaVND offers variety with its sex scenes, ranging from simple blowjobs to more specific fetishes. This wouldn't actually be a bad thing as Toonspew often writes the scenes very well, but there's a rape scene slightly before midway. I used to read lots of rape-themed Star Wars fics back in 2003 so I'm sort of sanitized of this fetish. Still, I think it's something you may want to avoid when writing a fic about a cartoon series. I really can't explain why but it just doesn't click. Besides, the scene itself here doesn't work so well in my opinion because the victim recovers from it in less than 24 hours and doesn't seem to be traumatized in any way. I'd say that this particular scene is definitely the weakest point of the fic, even if it gives us a FUCK YEAH AWESOME Vexus moment shortly afterwards.

Speaking of weaknesses, I later found out that I had actually gotten myself an alternative copy of one of the chapters. The version I had featured a short scene that has been left out because fanbase deemed it as Squick. I don't want to reveal too much but let's just say that it involves Nora Wakeman, her hands and another character's penis. I actually found the scene pretty interesting and even though Nora looks anything but sexy there's no doubt that Fern or someone else of his caliber could create some kickass fan art of this scene.

Another thing that may scare some readers (and granted, it definitely scared me too) is that MLaaVND is HUEG. Still, it's suprisingly easy to read and carries on fluently. There are many great moments to be found, especially in the humour department. My absolute favourite of the bunch has to be the scene where Vexus is searching for Jenny in a party and stumbles across a group of youngsters who mistake her for a dominatrix they had ordered. Hilarity Ensues. Besides the occasional funny moments there are also lots of Crowning Moments of Awesome due to the nature of the story. My favourite has to be the "go, genie go" moment which occurs in the final chapter, a scene which would cause audiences to erupt into wild cheering if something like this was done in a movie. Toonspew also challenges the reader to pick up various pop culture references but does this in a more subtle manner without turning the fic into an episode of Family Guy. He also makes connections to other animated series, although you don't have to worry about this one turning into Mega Crossover.

Overall, MLaaVND is an entertaining story even if it abandons the lighter atmosphere after the first four chapters. Toonspew writes good English, avoids typos and doesn't explain too much. I did notice few occasions where teenagers talk in a way too mature fashion, but that's about it. There are some continuity problems (or at least so it seems) due to the story being over half-way written by the time when the Cluster TV movie aired. Then again, you could think it as an Alternate Universe Fic that departs on a different timeline right before the end of the second season of MLaaTR. Great Scott!

If you're a fan of lemons and want your fic to have a gripping story with epic battles and a few surprises along the way, you should definitely check this one out. It may be a bit dark but the ending doesn't let you down. Fan artists interested of doing MLaaTR artwork should check out at least the beginning of the fic to see how Jenny's body works. Oh, and you're going to love Tiff after reading this story.

While Jenny's away...

Remember that third season episode Mist Opportunities? Yeah, I know. Everyone likes to pretend it's Discontinuity because it's a god-awful piece of shit. Luckily for us, Sadarax has offered us something to heal the wounds caused by this (unfortunately) official Character Derailment (or as he calls it, "Character Assassination"). To be accurate he started writing the story before the third season aired but that doesn't matter as he hasn't placed it in any precise timeline: it could happen before third season or after it. I like to think it's happening after the third season, which I guess it what Sadarax also suggests. Keep in mind that this isn't a Fix Fic but rather a good mix of a lemon and a Lower Deck Episode meant to flesh out the personalities of Sheldon and Misty, who's a Flat Character in the show... which is strange because I believe she's popular among fans. Perhaps the writers thought they didn't need to develop a character who started out as a Teen Titans reference? I don't know the answer to this but I do know that Misty could've (and should have) gotten a better final appearance.

Alien Urges and Affections takes place during a period where Jenny, Brad and Nora Wakeman are temporarily out of country showcasing the abilities of XJ-9 to friendly foreign governments. This is a perfect setup for a slice-of-life story which follows the daily lives of Misty and Sheldon. Misty has temporarily taken up Jenny's job in protecting Tremorton from The Cluster and other possible threats. Unfortunately, she is getting majorly bored due to her best friend being away for such a long time. This leads to her getting curious about Sheldon, so Misty decides to find out what the boy is like and give him a chance as a friend. The Crusts, always up to no good, notice this and start spying on them, hoping to get something juicy out of this strange situation.

I can't give you a complete opinion about this story since it is yet to be finished and it may go through a Genre Shift after the ninth chapter. So far the fic has done immense exploring of Misty and Sheldon's characters, developing them far beyond what was seen in the show. While I'm a Jenny/Sheldon shipper, I don't really mind pairing him with Misty. So far I've mostly come across situations that build up sexual tension between Misty and Sheldon, although there will no doubt be more actual sex in the following chapters.

For me the best part about the fic is how Sadarax is able to make Misty feel like an alien instead of "just" some girl with purple skin and superpowers. This is done by playing with words like "mating", "species", "egg-layer" and so on. It adds an exotic feel to her character without making it Squick. He also gives more background of her species and their reproduction and mating. This is done in the form of a sex scene, of course, which is great because that's exactly what you're supposed to find in a lemon and not some biology lecture. We also get to see some Humans Through Alien Eyes, which is a lot of fun.

I couldn't really find any defecting thing about the story or how the characters are handled. Sure, there's one thing that would probably count as Self-Insertion but it's mostly harmless. I also found the alien dojo flashback a bit cheesy but I guess that is because I don't find reading about/watching girls sucking on a dildo very interesting so it's just a matter of taste. The story's a good one, the characters are nicely written and the subplot with The Crusts and the occasional Cluster attack are good for keeping up tension in an otherwise peaceful story.

However, there is one thing that actually bothered me with the fic: the sheer amount of explanation. Words. Lots of them. It's not the same thing as writing bad text or having a poor grasp on grammar, on the contrary. Sadarax writes good text - there's just too much of it. There were occasional paragraphs that were mostly just metatext which the actual lemon doesn't really need there.

In short, AUaA is a top-notch fic which suffers from Walls of Text. This may cause trouble for those who aren't of the reader types but I suggest giving it a try, especially if you're craving for learning more about Misty and Sheldon. Besides, it's good medicine for those of you (i.e. almost everyone) who got pissed off at how Misty's character was handled at her final appearance in the show.

Which one's better?

I can't really decide which one I liked better. Overall, I enjoyed the variety of MLaaVND but I felt more home with the AUaA's setting as I'm not a fan of dark and epic tales. Then again, AUaA was occasionally laborious to read while MLaaVND was easy to digest. So yeah, I guess it's a tie, heh :P

Probably the best thing about both fics is how they defend Sheldon's quirks, explore the reasons for his obsession of Jenny and wreck allegations of him being solely a robophile. Sheldon was pretty much the Butt Monkey of the original show and occasionally it felt that even his friends treated him like crap.

Oh, and one notable thing about Sadarax's fic: Tuck isn't there. That's great. I really hate that little Scrappy.

Links to the fics!

My Life as a Teenage Von Neumann Device, by Toonspew
Alien Urges and Affections - When Misty Fell for Shell (chapters 1-9), by Sadarax

TEXT: Fan Fic Review (Double): My Life as a Teenage Von Neumann Device and Alien Urges and Affections - When Misty Fell for Shell, Part 1 (FOREWORD)

NOTE: This isn't the actual review yet. Just a foreword. The review will be made when I've completed reading the last two chapters of the second fic, although I still prioritize drawing before writing so it may take a while.

When I finally stopped lurking around and decided to show up the world what I had been doing for 11 years, it didn't take long before I met some people who wanted to showcase their works to me. However, instead of artwork I was greeted with huge-ass documents, telling spicy stories of famous toon characters. I said to myself, "I wonder if I should start reading fan fiction again".

Back in '99 and '00, I used to be a regular at a South Park fan site called Mr. Hat's Hell-Hole, where I used to read quite a few fics, often written by teenage girls. I used to enjoy these stories, although now that I think of it they were pretty much OC-ridden garbage (anyone remember the red-haired female cousin of Kyle's, who was basically a Rule 63 version of Eric Cartman and also a witch? Yeah, the fics were that bad... I wonder what her name was). I eventually lost my interest in 2001 when the quality of the fics started dropping (yes, that actually was possible) and I got past "The Stupid Age" and realized how awful the overall writing was.

During the following years I joined SWEF. During frequent checks to see if Shabby Blue had posted new artwork, I eventually had a peek at the fan fiction they were offering. There were some pretty nice lemons that contrasted the lenghty South Park fics by not telling a big story but rather delivering well-written hardcore sex scenes. A lot of the stories depicted rape scenes and sexual domination (but not actual BSDM). I eventually got tired of them too after the trend started to shift towards writing longer, more epic stories with lots of OCs and the stories started to become carbon copies of each other. This was in 2004 or so and after that, I've avoided written fan fiction.

Until last summer, that is.

The majority of the fics I was recently offered to read were MLaaTR fics, although there's also one big TFOP fic which is still incomplete. I went through some of these fics and... well, let's just say that overall I'd still like to stick to rather making fun of cliché-ridden fan stories than reading them. There was one fic so horrifyingly bad it almost succeeded in making me give up my noble attempt to start reading fan fics again for the third time - and that's the fic I happened to read first. I'm not giving out the name of the fic nor who wrote it out of courteousity but I have to mention that there are many others that dislike it and they silently addressed their sympathies to me after I read that damn thing.

However, I won't be reviewing this monstrousity. I'm here to showcase the best two fics of the bunch. Stay tuned for a double review of Toonspew's My Life as a Teenage Von Neumann Device and Sadarax's Alien Urges and Affections - When Misty Fell for Shell (chapters 1 to 9)!